Some people have waited their entire life for mix-ups or team-ups of certain action stars. The best one I could think of was The Forbidden Kingdom where Jackie Chan and Jet Li have a spectacular fight and later team up to fight against the bad-guys in an awesome way. So we were hoping to see Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger take on the epic giant massive army force in a wasteland and that idea alone will make the whole planet Earth explode. Well... that day has finally come! Its just that you'll see those three guys in one room, doing nothing and Schwarzenegger is only in the movie less than 3 minutes. That is probably the closest thing you'll get to see these three biggest action stars in one room in a movie.
So instead, you'll see other action icons like Jet Li, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke filling in on some explosive testosterone goodness. But unfortunately, they don't really do much until the huge final explosive guns-fest and it has been pretty much the Stallone/Statham show for the majority of the film. We don't really spend that much with the other characters like Crews, Couture or even Li since the entire focus and development are with Stallone and Statham. So the other guys are there and its great to see them blow up stuff, but I wouldn't care as much for what they do in the film.
We are F*CKIN MEN!!!
Here is the plotline: you have this group of bad-ass mercenaries called "The Expendables" that specialized on dangerous and crazy missions. Then Willis and Schwarzenegger ask Stallone if he can take out an evil American agent controlling a giant militarized island country. And... that's it. This movie wasn't really made to have a plot or any depth. People will come to see stuff blow up and men with giant muscles shoot machine guns (that sounds a little bit gay). And you can come to predict how the movie goes and there isn't any huge stakes or dangers for the Expendables especially for ONE that really came back from the dead! This film also goes by 80s movie action logic, but there are even some bits that were such long stretches. It just becomes too silly.
And here ya go, a cute little pink fairy... very manly
So yeah this film was kind of a let down for me especially since I'm that kid that grew up watching those classic 80s-90s films. I watched Total Recall, Terminator, Die Hard (thats more of a thinking man's action film), Rambo and Predator over and over again when I was like ten on that rusty old VHS machine. And I was kinda looking forward to this film since I have been liking what Stallone have been directing since he got back on the director's chair. Rocky Balboa was a brilliant end to the series, but the 4th Rambo movie "RAMBO" was f*ckin hardcore! To me, that film (Rambo) was really the return of 80s action movie. The plot was simple and thin, but the payoff and climax was massive and completely satisfying with enough character development.
However this film, The Expendables was pretty much a step back. I would understand if they cut down on the gore and make it accessible to a much wider audience. But there were spots of heavy gore from the beginning and a little afterward we don't get that much. So its either go all out and be f*ckin crazy or have none at all. The best example of this is Crank: High Voltage where the film knows its f*ckin crazy and stupid, doesn't give a cr*p about logic, has no shame in having violence, gore, nudity and a horse c*ck and guarantees you a great and fun time. That film has a giant pair of balls and this film isn't close to that. And the other thing in this film that really annoyed me is the amount of CG blood. It doesn't work for 300, not for Ninja Assassin and not for ANY movie especially this! It makes the entire film clean and sterile and loses any impact on violence. There were some kills that could have been awesome if it didn't have CG blood!
I TOLD YOU, I don't know how to play basketball!
Its nice to look back on the 80s action movies, but there are reasons why action movies evolved to where are they now. Die Hard could be the start of that since its about an un-expecting out-of-luck man who is risen up to the challenge. And since then, we see other people that are not of muscle-physique jocks becoming action heroes because its much more interesting and challenging. The Expendables is a nice look back at the decade that was and it gets to think of why we love it and why we're not interested in them anymore.
2 out of 5 stars
Machete will be much better...
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