The Expendables Full Review

Some people have waited their entire life for mix-ups or team-ups of certain action stars. The best one I could think of was The Forbidden Kingdom where Jackie Chan and Jet Li have a spectacular fight and later team up to fight against the bad-guys in an awesome way. So we were hoping to see Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger take on the epic giant massive army force in a wasteland and that idea alone will make the whole planet Earth explode. Well... that day has finally come! Its just that you'll see those three guys in one room, doing nothing and Schwarzenegger is only in the movie less than 3 minutes. That is probably the closest thing you'll get to see these three biggest action stars in one room in a movie.

So instead, you'll see other action icons like Jet Li, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke filling in on some explosive testosterone goodness. But unfortunately, they don't really do much until the huge final explosive guns-fest and it has been pretty much the Stallone/Statham show for the majority of the film. We don't really spend that much with the other characters like Crews, Couture or even Li since the entire focus and development are with Stallone and Statham. So the other guys are there and its great to see them blow up stuff, but I wouldn't care as much for what they do in the film.

We are F*CKIN MEN!!!

Here is the plotline: you have this group of bad-ass mercenaries called "The Expendables" that specialized on dangerous and crazy missions. Then Willis and Schwarzenegger ask Stallone if he can take out an evil American agent controlling a giant militarized island country. And... that's it. This movie wasn't really made to have a plot or any depth. People will come to see stuff blow up and men with giant muscles shoot machine guns (that sounds a little bit gay). And you can come to predict how the movie goes and there isn't any huge stakes or dangers for the Expendables especially for ONE that really came back from the dead! This film also goes by 80s movie action logic, but there are even some bits that were such long stretches. It just becomes too silly.

And here ya go, a cute little pink fairy... very manly

So yeah this film was kind of a let down for me especially since I'm that kid that grew up watching those classic 80s-90s films. I watched Total Recall, Terminator, Die Hard (thats more of a thinking man's action film), Rambo and Predator over and over again when I was like ten on that rusty old VHS machine. And I was kinda looking forward to this film since I have been liking what Stallone have been directing since he got back on the director's chair. Rocky Balboa was a brilliant end to the series, but the 4th Rambo movie "RAMBO" was f*ckin hardcore! To me, that film (Rambo) was really the return of 80s action movie. The plot was simple and thin, but the payoff and climax was massive and completely satisfying with enough character development.

However this film, The Expendables was pretty much a step back. I would understand if they cut down on the gore and make it accessible to a much wider audience. But there were spots of heavy gore from the beginning and a little afterward we don't get that much. So its either go all out and be f*ckin crazy or have none at all. The best example of this is Crank: High Voltage where the film knows its f*ckin crazy and stupid, doesn't give a cr*p about logic, has no shame in having violence, gore, nudity and a horse c*ck and guarantees you a great and fun time. That film has a giant pair of balls and this film isn't close to that. And the other thing in this film that really annoyed me is the amount of CG blood. It doesn't work for 300, not for Ninja Assassin and not for ANY movie especially this! It makes the entire film clean and sterile and loses any impact on violence. There were some kills that could have been awesome if it didn't have CG blood!

I TOLD YOU, I don't know how to play basketball!

Its nice to look back on the 80s action movies, but there are reasons why action movies evolved to where are they now. Die Hard could be the start of that since its about an un-expecting out-of-luck man who is risen up to the challenge. And since then, we see other people that are not of muscle-physique jocks becoming action heroes because its much more interesting and challenging. The Expendables is a nice look back at the decade that was and it gets to think of why we love it and why we're not interested in them anymore.

2 out of 5 stars

Machete will be much better...

Vampires Suck Full Review

Oh Dead Lord...

(If you ask me how I saw the movie, I downloaded it off the net. I didn't spend any money on this travesty of the film.)



I really don't know what possess me to do this. What makes me go in and watch really bad movies. I have checked out Troll 2, Bratz, freakin Twilight movies and even (God forbid) Disaster Movie. Maybe by watching these bad movies would give me some sense of accomplishment and credibility, which later question myself: is it worth it anymore? Am I getting tired of sacrificing my brain cells every time a crappy movie pops up on the horizon? Does it give me a sense of adventure and danger whenever I gave my eyes upon it? This movie challenges my perception. Now honestly when I heard that these two idiots had a new movie called Vampires Suck, I was about to get my guns out and go on a blind murderous rampage. But I refrained myself because I got into so much trouble from the last time I did that for Disaster Movie. And low and behold...



This movie COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY sucks...



I still ended up with the biggest migraine after watching this movie. But I will say this though... it is LESS painful than their f*cker-piece, Disaster Movie. Which doesn't mean much. Its like saying "I will only make you bleed out 60% of your blood instead of 100%", you'll still lose blood. It is appreciative that they cut a tiny bit of the pop culture references, but it is still infuriating every time the movie puts one of those. Again there was no f*ckin point, setup or reason every time they bring up something pop culture. Its just f*ckin insulting. The actors are just mimicking the acting style of their characters from the Twilight movies, but for the impersonators who impersonates the celebrities, they did an awful job. Whats worse than Lady Gaga is a crappy Lady Gaga impersonator. The writing is standard Friedberg-Seltzer piss-poor style, considering that it took TWO MONTHS to write a f*ckin script. Wouldn't be surprise if it took them two weeks! Its less crappy though, but its still crap. You know what? Don't bother! This kind of movie is a waste of space and should be completely ignored. I took the bullet to see this to tell you guys and your friends to not see this movie.

GAAAHHH!!!!

Now I'm going into..



(RANT MODE!)



AND you know what is so scary in this day and age? People going to see this more than Scott Pilgrim or The Expendables. That is right, the day where I have been reconfirmed that the majority of young society are run by complete and utter MORONS. And right now, I'm going into a rant... I know YOU people wants some laugh and there is nothing wrong with having a cheap laugh, but if you want some cheap laughs, go to Youtube! F*ckin hell, that is f*ckin FREE and you can find SO MANY Twilight parodies that are MUCH better, rather than paying freakin money to see this crap! If you, like me, hate those Twilight movies, be F*CKIN SMART and don't f*ckin see this movie! In the times where daughters of famous and respectable Hollywood movie stars becomes porn stars because so they can be "famous" (Laurence, I'm sorry, but your daughter is unbelievably retarded... who is kinda hot), it is no wonder society is dumbing down where KIDS don't appreciate the sense of hard work and creativity. Icons like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Michael Bay have gotten where they are by taking the easy way and I'm so pissed off at them because there are creative, talented and hard working people that only gone halfway to where these IDIOTS are. Now you have the generation of young people favoring the lazy and moronic while something that was done with so much hard work, creativity, thought and care like Scott Pilgrim have been thrown aside. If that's what the world is heading, I SO do hope a meteor comes down and destroy the world really early because I wouldn't care anymore. The only reason why I don't feel like having a meteor destroying the world right now is that at least smart and creative films like Toy Story 3 and Inception are performing very well. But if you are one of those people, even IF you're my friend that is keeping the most retarded filmmakers in the film industry by going and giving money to see this pile of crap, then promise me NEVER to have children. Seriously...



In the f*ckin end, I will say: F*CK YOU, JASON FRIEDBERG! F*CK YOU, AARON SELTZER! F*CK THIS MOVIE! F*CK THE PEOPLE WHO LIKED THIS! I WISH I COULD WIPE THAT IMMATURE DOUCHEBAG SMUG OFF YOUR FACE! F*CK YOU JASON AND AARON AND I HOPE YOU DIE!



Ehem... in other words, please don't see this movie...





GTFO out of 5 stars

DIE MUTHERF*CAKAS!!!

My Top Ten: Films That Look Like And Act Like Video Games

Its that time of the month where I give my Top Ten on ANYTHING!

We have seen video-games acting more like theatrical movies nowadays, but were there any movies that act like video-games? Any movies that take on the same mannerism and elements as you would see in a video-game. And I'm not talking about adaptations of a video-game franchise/series, I'm talking about movies that the whole central theme and behavior was video-games. Whenever you see characters using power-ups or that the whole world feels pixely in the movies, you step into the world of videogames You will see what I mean when you read along. I'm listing the ten best films that behave like video-games. Remember: no video-game adaptations like Super Mario Bros. or Prince of Persia.




Lets get on it shall we?

10.
AVATAR



Don’t tell me this film doesn’t look like a video game to you. The graphics and visuals really looks like a Halo game and already puts in the concept of controlling a manufactured body with the same facial features as the controller. Hell the hint was already in the title “Avatar”, the same concept many gamers are into now with World of Warcraft and Nintendo Wii.


9.
DEATH RACE



The original already contains the film’s concept, but the remake really looks more like a video game. It is no surprise since this is directed by Paul W.S Anderson, responsible for video-game adaptations like Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil. So no wonder this is treated like a video game, similar to Twisted Metal. Already you have racers with different abilities and car models and have power-ups or traps on the road that would allow them to use their weapons or have them killed in a horrible and brutal way. As a movie itself, its not bad and it is one of those "turn-your-brain-off-and-enjoy-yourself" mindset when you get into it.

8.
COMMANDO

Hmm, let's see... Schwarzenegger goes into the jungle to face off against a giant military army with only a vest and a mini-gun, as well as having unlimited ammo and picking off one by one without having a single scratch on him... Sounds like a video-game to me. It was

7.
SPEED RACER

This is Mario Kart if Mario was smoking on crack and LSD. I wasn't so sure if I was watching an Anime movie, but I was sure this feels like a video-game. You have bright and colorful characters and their cars with different abilities and weapons, racing through the most ridiculous and ludicrous race tracks to ever be built. Watching this, I really wish I had a controller in my hand. It is, to me, a fun film and I kinda like it. Worthy to be curious and check it out.

6.
GAMER

This film, while having an ambitious intention, tries to make a statement on isolated gaming and technology running your life. It would have been an interesting intellectual film if the story wasn’t that hokey and not frequently filled with breasts and asses. Though the clever thing about it for geek gamers is there are some spots that reference first-person-shooters multiplayer elements such as Halo and Counter-Strike as well as gamer behaviour like the good ol’ Teabagging. Another thing that is satires is the concept of simulation/society games like The Sims, Second Life and IMVU, where players actually controls real humans as their own avatars and they can do whatever they want with them.

5.
BATTLE ROYALE

I have been arguing with myself whether this looks like a video-game or not. Though I have concluded that it may be a video-game movie. These kids are pitted themselves on an Island to kill each other with machine guns till the last one stands. Not to mention they wear a neck bracelet that explodes their heads whenever one of them are in a restricted zone or when the time runs out. I don't know if you people would agree with me, but for now it is. And what a awesome film it is! If people think Kick-Ass is totally controversial, they really haven't see Battle Royale.


4.
CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE



The first Crank movie was crazy enough, but the sequel to Crank was COMPLETELY straight-up-the-wall insanity. Right from the beginning, you can tell they were so influenced by video-games and designed the character, Chelios as if he was on God-Mode. There are many behaviors of video-games such as pixels and power-ups, but other than that, its a kick-ass movie! If you are that geeky enough, you might reference this from the video-game Infamous, where the character sucks up electricity.

3.
THE MATRIX SERIES

Loading yourself up into a simulated world and hook up with all the power-ups and skills you need = video-games. You won't care so much about the philosophical stuffs this movie is jamming your throat in, you can tell this is the stuffs of video-games. And once again taking the themes of avatars and simulations as well as all the fighting and shooting games we all know of like Max Payne. Now this film series could have gone to greatness if it weren't for the colossal disappointment that was "Revolutions"... sheesh..

2.
TRON

This is the granddaddy of video-game movies. Literally zapped into the digital world full of neon and bits, Tron was filled with so many video-game elements like avatars/representations of their users, geometric-shaped environments and death-match games like holo-disks and the cool light cycles. And even the soundtrack sounds so video-gamey. And even if the movie looks outdated now, it is such a visual-pleasing film to look back on. But I'm excited for the upcoming Tron Legacy. Daft Punk for film score = MOTHAFUCKIN WIN!


And my number 1 is...

1.
SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

I know this is a very recent film to add in, but this is my list! So bite me. Besides this movie, to me, is the best metaphorical representation of video-games in a movie, merging with real-life situations. This is the BEST video-game movie EVER... yet. Everything about video-games is there: power-ups, exp points, health bars, leveling up, boss battles, pixel graphics and the list goes on! All to narrate a story about a guy dealing with his relationship with his new girlfriend and evaluating his own personal issues. Not to mention the giant dump of video-game references from visuals and sound clips used for sound effects like Sonic and Mario and all of this is done so clever and intelligent. And that is why I considered this the BEST! This is one movie, geek or not, you should not miss!

So that is my top 10 list. What's your opinion?

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World Full Review

Name: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
Age: 2010
Rating: AWESOME

You want Japanese Anime adaptation done right? You want video-game adaptation done right? You want to see a teen romance/date comedy done in the most hyper action-packed and awesome way? Then press start on your controller and experience the epic of epic epicness that is "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World". Never before you have seen one guy actually fighting for the heart of one girl, blended in awesome visuals, clever sight gags and sounds, the hippest soundtrack and super-ultra-hyper fight/battle sequences that reaches over 9000 on its power level! Scott Pilgrim WINS the movies, getting a 2x combo in becoming both the BEST video-game adaptation movie and the BEST Japanese-Anime movie of all time... EVER!

Squeezed and packed faithfully from Bryan Lee
O'Malley's six volume comic-opus, Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is a bass player in a crappy band, in between jobs and currently dating a 17-year-old Asian high-schooler, Knives (Ellen Wong). That is until new girl Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) literally skates into his dreams and immediately Scott was hypnotized. After one hook-up with Ramona, things get real complicated when Scott realizes that he has to face off and defeat SEVEN of Ramona's evil exes one by one, led by final boss Gideon Graves (Jason Schwartzman). It is a fact that relationships are hard and complex, just like video games.

Mr. Patel, you're trying to seduce me...

For me having read all six volumes of the comics, the filmmakers did a marvelous job in being relevant and retaining the same core messages and development it possess in the comics. The advantage that this film and the comics have is that their aspect on relationship and love is as nearly realistic and relatable to most young people and they can really identify themselves in the hero, Scott Pilgrim. Its kind of human of Scott that he makes the same mistakes most people do for his own selfish needs and comforts, especially after having his breakup from his last girlfriend, Envy Adams (played by a very sexy Brie Larson). And it takes his date with Ramona to actually mature and wise up to his attitudes and self-esteem, even to fight his own inner demons (which he actually does literally). I would say that the characters, especially Scott could have been developed a little more, but I wouldn't argue of how it ended with it.

After a long run of being a quiet, awkward, mumbling
dweeb, Michael Cera finally becomes a more animated and confident guy whilst dealing with his own issues and it is just refreshing to see him that. Not only that, but he was amazing as an action hero. And the day I see Michael Cera as a total badass, something wonderfully wonderful just happened. Winstead is great and HOOTTT as the girl of every geek's dream, Ramona Flowers and Wong is just so cute and hyper as Knives, with two of these girls have their own ass-kicking. Rest of the cast were also great with Kieran Culkin always hitting the joke button right as Scott's gay roommate, Wallace Wells and Alison Pills and Mark Webber are as supportive and deadpan as Scott's band members, Kim Pine and Stephan Stills respectively. Probably the people who looks like they are having the most fun are the 7 evil exes and when they are on, they are REALLY on. All acted devilishly and humorously maniacal and giving us something spectacular. Chris Evans (Captain America) was so different and cocky as Evil Ex #2, Lucas Lee and Brandon Routh (Superman) displayed his awesome "vegan" power and delivered awkward liners as Evil Ex #3, Todd Ingram. Even for the final boss, Schwartzman played so well as the kind of nerd we other nerds would love to hate, a pretentious, rich d*uchebag.

I can go for that MC Hammer joke, but I'm a little too old for that

The movie acts as a huge love letter to geekdom in giving off so many references to movies, music and video-games from clear visuals gags to hidden sound bites that can only be recognizable to geeks. And the fun thing about this film is that it acts like an actual video game, going from earning coins when you defeat an enemy, to health bars, to extra lifes, leveling up when you wise up, even the 7 exes acts as boss battles and all are done in a clever and fun way, which is something other video-game movies have fail to do. Uwe Boll, take lessons from Edgar Wright! For the casual audience, they won't matter if they catch all the sight and sound gags. But for hardcore nerds like us, it is such a real treat. Another thing I love is the soundtrack and theme of music that is used as a character, or even as a weapon. The soundtrack ranges from usually alternative rock bands with Beck, masquerading as the Sex Bob-Omb and even with the use of emo, country and techno, which were all a joy to listen to. AND DAMN, do I have to stress you guys about the fight scenes? The fight scenes are such a tribute to some of the Wu Sha/Kung Fu fighting movies and even of the hyper anime styles such as Dragonball and Street Fighter. Again, why can't the actual Dragonball and Street Fighter movies do something like this? Just wait till you get to the final battle where it is just... EPIC...

If a person who
has read the entire comics and ask how faithful it is to the comics, I would say it is fairly faithful and people will be nitpicky especially to some of the characters. You have to know that cramming all six volumes into one meaning alot will change. The outcome of the movie will be different from the comics, but the important thing is that it still retains the message and the journey Scott must go through. And in adapting from a 6-volume books to a 2-hour movie, all the changes they made makes sense and plays to good effects. Besides you'll still have -the comics and see how different it is to the movies. Some of the problems I'll say is that the ending is a bit rushed and the first 10-20 minutes will be getting used to. And like I said before, some of the characters or subplots weren't developed enough to what I wish for. Even some of the characters were popping in and out after a long time for an update, but these are just fair nitpicks and doesn't overshadowed my enjoyment.

Feel the power of my ARMPITS!

What I will expect is that people will get this film and some people won't. But even if you don't get it, you should still check it out as it is something original, something you have never-seen-before. Hell its freakin more original and visually-mesmerizing than Avatar (Yes, I'm still taking shots at Avatar. Bite me!) It is a guarantee action-packed fun time that also evaluates your own love life and personality. After making brilliant genre tributes like Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz, Edgar Wright is the master of his own game. Now claim your prize, my man!

4 and a half out of 5 stars

EDGAR WRIGHT HAS EARNED THE POWER OF FILMS!

Step Up 3D Full Review

This was probably my first Step-Up movie I have ever seen in a theater. Hell this is my first time seeing a hip-hop dance movie in a theater. And how I got myself to actually see this... well I was invited by my friend, Vanessa, so I couldn't really say no. Of course when you think of dance movies, you think of the parade of dance battles with a flimsy plot, not much character development and that appeal toward hip-hop MTV teens... so it wasn't my cup of tea. And is that what I got out of this movie?



Yeah that's what I got.



Now I'll be straight with you. Its not intelligent or entirely creative like Inception, but what it promises on are the barrage of cool and impressive hip-hop dance sequences and that's what it delivered. Though I was expecting a large number of SPECTACULAR and AMAZING dance sequences and I only found one to be amazing. So it felt short of my expectation. But at least my time wasn't wasted at all and I thoroughly had an enjoyable time.



You get what you expect for fans of these Step Up movies: a film all about cool and creative hip-hop dance sequences, the hottest mainstream hip-hop soundtrack and a all-too predictable plot with a cast of generic hip-hop character with black and white motivations. Let's see if I can summarize the plot: a guy named Moose gets recruited by a guy named Rick into the warehouse of the Pirates with its bands of merry dancers. Their club is losing money and has their warehouse up for sale, so they need to win this dance tournament to win a huge prize money before their rivals, the Samurais takes their warehouse away. Geez I could understand why their club is losing money if they are spending nothing but STEREOS and SHOES that are worth thousands! But with the magic of movie logic, you can foresee the ending way ahead. But that is not you came to see a Step Up movie, right?



Its all about the dance. That is what sells this movie and started this whole tread of these dance movies. And I would say that the dances are indeed entertaining. Though some can be pointless at times. Like when the rivals follows one of the lead characters into a bathroom and instead of threatening him by just beating him up or knifing him, the rivals actually threatens him with dance... I really don't why they use that to demoralize him, but hey... movie logic. And with the addition of 3D gimmick, it makes all the dance sequences very surreal and cool. There is one dance sequence (that is probably my favorite and the only great dance sequence of this movie) that hawks back to the Gene Kelly and Fred Astire eras that was whimsical, cute and charming and it was good to see that in a mainstream teen-appealing film like Step Up. What really takes me out of these dance sequences is the use of sound effects used on dancers. Whenever a dancer moves their arms, it creates a WHOOSH sound. Really... these dancers are not superheroes or martial artists! Its distracting me these sequences when its supposed to be a marriage of both music and dance motion!



Thankfully for a smart movie-goer, its not for them. But you'll still have a fun time and be dazzled by the dance sequences it offered. Even if the essential things like plot, character, development, pacing and motivation are completely crap, you won't feel cheated when you see this. Its a fine film to watch.



2 and a half out of 5 stars



Now lets get onto a film I've been waiting for... SCOTT PILGRIM!!!

Mini Reviews - Across The Universe

Across the Universe

A romantic musical told mainly through numerous Beatles songs performed by the characters. A young man from Liverpool comes to America during the Vietnam War to find his father. He winds up in Greenwich Village, where he falls in love with an American girl who has grown up sheltered in the suburbs. Together they experience the sweeping changes of America in the late 60's.

Wow.... that was a colossal mess. With the musical that has every potential to be visually mind-blowing, the film really suffered from the lack of character development, plot development, consistency and uninspiring singing performance. And like Moulin Rouge (another musical I HATE!), its a worthy idea to integrate some of the Beatles songs into the story/film, but there was nothing inventive and creative used in those songs and the people giving the covers were so forced and try-hard. Some of the characters were a waste of celluloid, such as Prudence which the film can really benefited without her since she really didn't bring alot to the story. The thing with musical is that it has to be an all-rounded great performances for both the singing part and the non-singing/drama part and the drama parts are so boring and un-interesting, which wasn't really enough to keep the film going. The psychedelic trip-out scenes were visually great to look at and very freaky that they are so dangerous to stoners and pot-heads. Yet it also abandons the film's story and they can come across as point-less. If you like to see Disney's teenagers doing an amateur job on covering Beatles song, then here it is.

1 and a half out of 5 stars