Jordan Marquez Presents: The Top Ten Best And Worst of The Decade 00s - Number 10 Best

Welcome back to the countdown!

Well we have passed through the ten most steamiest pile of crap, now we will be looking and praising the ten most beautiful, riveting, revolutionary, thought-provoking and simply greatest films of this decade. Even though this decade has a fair share of bad films, we still get original, unique and fresh stuff to be placed up on the big ol screen. We'll be looking at films that only achieve the best in both technical and narrative aspects, but also create a huge impact in the film industry and popular culture amongst the audience. So the following days, I will not only countdown the best in order, but I will be giving my most favorite defining moment of the film. Warning: spoiler alert!

Just remember that the list are according to my opinions and my experiences. This is not the ultimate end-of-all list, this is just the best and worst according to me. Your opinions and comments are welcome. And believe me, this was EXTREMELY difficult to make the list of what I considered the "best" of the decade. So rest assure, this is based on my opinions.

Before we start off, here are the honorable mentions for the Best of the Decade 00s:

Gladiator
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Borat!
Memento
Old Boy
There Will Be Blood
Last King Of Scotland
The Departed
Brokeback Mountain
500 Days Of Summer
Casino Royale
Bowling For Columbine
Million Dollar Baby
Sin City
Shaun Of The Dead
Hot Fuzz
Kung Fu Hustle
The Royal Tenenbaums
And many more I forgot to mention...

So without further ado, here are the top ten BEST films of the decade 00s....

And first up,

The #10 best movie of the decade:
Shrek (2001)

We all know how these Shrek movies and other Dreamwork movies turned to be in the long run as we only see a few good and original ones, but most are excessively-pop culture referenced cash cow. But who could forget the huge impact of the very first Shrek movie, Dreamwork's flagship mark on the film and animation industry? Before any future animated movies came out, there was no other animated film like this where it has that great appeal to both children and adult, the writing feels more mature and clever and you have not just kids, but teens and adults going crazy over the series. Even the film was also quotable. It was the first in a long long time. With the help of Pixar, Dreamworks was the one to start the whole film trend of CG-animated films that caters to the pop-culture audience, starting with this.

As we have seen the past years, animated films especially 2D-animated Disney films tread along the formula of princes and princesses, fairy-tale, elements that are kid-safe and plenty of musical numbers, despite being faithful to the original source. Shrek sets out to be the satire and parody of that formula, issuing many elements and give a clever and humorous twist. Such as having a ugly and monstrous ogre as the main protagonist in the fairy tale, an animal sidekick that is nowhere near as cute or cuddly or a villain that isn't that threatening. You can expect many pop culture references that are either recent or old like the The Matrix or that genius rendition of "Its A Small World After All". Despite having a nearly simple story, it is a good story of beauty and acceptance, one that is related to Shrek. But the greatest gem of this film is the writing as it brings out that good balance of subtlety and overly-observant while most being clever and twisted. Its a shame that element was kind of abandoned in the next movies.

Favorite Defining Moment:
There are many great moments that played upon fairytale and Disney movies like Princess Fiona blowing up the bird, The Robin Hood scene or the big musical number finale. However my favorite moment is the most quotable in the entire movie. Each word and pacing in that scene was just genius!

The Muffin Man




Tomorrow, I will reveal #9 best movie of the 00s. What will it be....

Jordan Marquez Presents: The Top Ten Best And Worst of The Decade 00s - Number 1 Worst

Welcome back to the countdown, as we are at the end of my top ten worst movies of the decade.

For a film that is considered the worst, the film show the lack of care, ambition, cleverness and production value while failing the objective the film set out in the first place. Not only that, it shows me as the pinnacle of the downgrading standards films are now dumbing down to and makes me worried and furious. Just a look at this movie will drive you to madness and will make you tear your eyes out and cut out your tongue. I didn't do that because I'm a sane person, but I was that close.

AND SO....

The #1 worst movie of the decade:
Disaster Movie (2008)

Uwe Boll was awful, but lost the title. Michael Bay is a d*uchebag, but nearly got the title. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer... I HATE THOSE MOTHERF*CKERS DOWN TO THE BONE! and rightfully deserve the title of worst directors ever! In it for the money and never ever give anything decent back to the audience. And they think they are actually making a funny spoof film in the vein of Airplane..... ARE THEY F*CKIN BLIND?! They are SOOO FAR from being anything that is related to the word "funny". But the right adjectives that describe them are soul-draining, mind-grazing and completely stupid. They have four sh*tty projects to their pathetic excuse of a credit and you would think that with each film, they would improve themselves. Each one gets WORSE AND WORSE! Its like they purposefully losing their ability to make a film and they are getting dumber and dumber till they are noting but retards. Sure I could have place each one of them in the top ten worst movies, but that would be easy. So I have chosen the WORST of their movie for the WORST of the decade, which is the appropriately-titled Disaster Movie.

God when I heard of this movie, I was horrified it even existed. I heard so many bad things about this movie, that I should stay away from this film. Yet I was curious... I had to know how bad it was. So I downloaded the film and watched it with my own two eyes. And everything they say about this film..... was false...

In fact, their words can not comprehend the quality of this movie. It is FAR WORSE than everything they said. This film can be use for torture. In HELL! Marketed as a movie parody of every natural disaster movies out there, this film is nothing but random clips and bad impersonations of anything recent like Hannah Montana and Iron Man and NONE of them are remotely funny. They just scrape the edge of the subject they try to make fun of and offer no new or clever spin to the joke they do. And if that doesn't insult your intelligence, someone in the film will just introduce the character for you like "Oh look, its Amy Winehouse!", "Oh god, its Iron Man", "Gosh, its Wolf from American Gladiator". Even they make fun of subjects that weren't out that time like Hancock where they just based the joke of the trailer... Thats just damn freakin lazy, guys... Seriously is this what these idiot think the audience to spend $10 at the theater or a video store? Throughout the movie you'll be spending time with token white guy and token black guy, the whore who is famous no reason: Kim Kardashian and a bad Juno impersonator who criticize the witty and clever writing of the actual movie. Well aren't you guy big men, Jason and Aaron? Making fun and criticizing a movie that is deemed to be too smart for you? You f*ckin retards. Of course there is no plot or any actual character, but really there is ABSOLUTELY nothing funny about this piece of nuclear sh*t. And when you have a film that does an absolute bad impersonation of THE LOVE GURU! one of the worst movies ever, you know you have a film worse than sh*t.

There you have it! Not only it is the worst film of that year, but its the worst of the decade. If by god, those two retards decided to make another film, god have mercy on our pitiful soul...

Tomorrow, I will get out these pile of crap and go on with the list of the top ten BEST movies of the decade. Starting with number 10 best! What will it be?

Avatar Full Review

Was I right or was I wrong?

When I saw the brand new trailer of Avatar..... I kinda judged harshly because it was just a trailer, a visual hint of the upcoming movie. But it was a big deal to me because it was hyped to be the newest work of sci-fi legend James Cameron. I mean he did f*ckin Terminator 1 + 2 and Aliens, a sequel that nearly surpassed the original. Now for James Cameron to come out of the blue (mind the pun) after his work on Titanic with a story he conjured up for 10 years and the promise of the newest and biggest special effects you'll ever experience. With those news in mind, I was thinking along the line of 2001: A Space Odyssey: a brand new sci-fi opus experience. James Cameron described as a "game-changer", a boastful statement that heightens the expectation of every fan and moviegoers. Seeing the trailer it felt like a crossover between Ferngully, Dances with Wolves and Smurfs and I was very disappointed. Nearing the release of the film, it started to have glowing reviews and I was starting to think... maybe I judged this movie too quickly. I should learn not to judge a book by its cover or else you'll look like a fool. I should give this movie a chance. It was theater night, lined up to watch it on I-Max in Digital 3D and the place was packed. I was about to see Avatar.... and it was going to rock my world by James F*ckin Cameron again. It was going to blow my mind. I saw it and....



....







I was right all along...



....







The movie did sucked...



Avatar... more like AVERAGE-TAR!



Dear God it was so average. I really really REALLY wanted to like this. I really do. I wanted to be the bad guy in this and once be the fool for being such a judgmental prick. Be proven so wrong! But meh! It was dull, boring, corny and average with the capital A. Granted it was an unique experience and if it weren't for the 3D effects, I would have sooooo been pissed off. But he has to say his name out loud, "James Cameron, I did Titanic and Terminator! Get ready for an awesome ride!" If it was anyone else and with any background, it would be ok on my book. But I feel he just didn't step up to the game. And for 3 FREAKIN HOURS!!! For a story that has been told so many freakin times! What can he put within 3 hours that we can't predict or forecast? I don't like to brag, but man James Cameron bragged about this movie so much. I mean he's one of my heroes and I hate to do this. But I'm gonna brag and say "I was right! This movie was dull from the beginning"



The story is what you have been through for so many times. Guy is part of the army to colonize an sacred planet with indigenous tribes. Guy winds up in the hands of the tribes. Guy learns and loves about the tribes. Guy decides to protect the tribes he loves from his own kind and gives obligatory motivational speech. Its nothing new and nothing original, its a run-of-a-mill textbook epic movie. The thing is does that excuse from just being a visual feast? In a way it doesn't. Towards my beliefs, a film has got to have a good balance of story and visuals. And if the story actually gave some tightness with new aspects and different outlook, it would have been a different and possibly better experience for me. The story just abandons the one element: subtlety. It is good to have messages, but unlike Wall-E, these messages such as environment and corporation are just forced and it come as something abit pretentious. It just bangs you with the head with "Army bad! Corporation bad! Tree good!" and it'll just annoy you with the over-dramatic and over-exaggerated imagery. If it was just nothing but a CG visual marathon, no matter how spectacular it gets, the film become soulless and won't have any depth. Which is disappointing from the potential this film could have. And in a three hour movie, you might feel so dragged in through this story.

The Last Smurferai

Characters are ranged just from labeled, stereotypical and actually decent. And really, I have to be honest that there are no characters that are likable or interesting with one or two exceptions. Sam Worthington is generic hero #32, which is in a way, disappointing, because I was looking forward to his range after a great performance from Terminator Salvation. There are a few good moments, but mostly were just so-so and bland. Sigourney Weaver is back with a little hint of Ellen Ripley and possibly one of the actors that still has that shine on the screen. Michelle Rodriguez is still playing the woman who actually wants to be a man and really is the female Schwarzenegger. You'll either be laughing or cringing (mostly) at her all-so corny one-liner. But the biggest characters that is the roll of the dice whether it works or not are the villains. And they really didn't worked for me. The villains are as overly-done and caricatured as any cartoon villain you see. Giovanni Ribisi is your typical corporation who really thinks of nothing but money and the natural source material that worth alot of money and his performance is really over-the-top, yet no-so fun. Whats missing from him are the top hat, cape and a twirling mustache. And then you got Steven Lang who plays jock marine colonel assh*le who's motivation is to just completely eliminate the Navi tribes. Nothing else, just kill Navis and command marines to kill Navis. Their villainy are flawed by the writing of the film, which gave them the most basic and exaggerated motivation and background to the point they are just ignorant and annoying. Possibly the one good actor that gave a great performance is Zoe Saldaña, who did very well considering her entire performance was through motion capture.

Meeeeeoowww!

Now about the special effects. I'll say it ranges from very impressive to very... whats the word... cartoony. I'm sorry but certain part of the effects and CG felt really out of place for me. It was still like watching a long video game sequence or a Pixar movie. I remembered when Jake first woke up in his Avatar body, I just felt awkward seeing the Avatar's face for the first time as it look so... cartoony. I did get used to it later on, but it look flawed when it comes to far shots of the Navi' movement and action. It may be the different sense of movement and agility the Navi possessed, but I still didn't buy it. Close up shots of the CG Navi looks really good with bits of details and specks as it is close to an organic real human face. Some of the creatures in the world of Pandora (which I think its still a dumb name), are very interesting to look at and some were just so fit for a cartoon. What is impressive is the environment that was created through the use of CG and most of it looks so natural and organic that it looks like its part of our world. Yet if the CG was impressive in every aspects, I would have blown away but it didn't.



Just like his previous film Titanic, you'll have to wade through 2 hours of bland expositions and moments only to get to the last hour for the good stuff. If there's one thing James Cameron can really do, it is that he can create such amazing action sequences. The battle scenes between the Marine and Navi are greatly done and packed with many asskicking stuff, even if the scenes was a bit predictable. The music is again composed by collaborator James Horner who did such works for Cameron like Aliens and Titanic. Only this time his score aren't that memorable or decent. There are some good moments in the film, but yet they are outweighed by the many corny and cheesy moment that could have saved this film from such mediocrity.

I don't care about these Nig.. Navis! What I meant to say..

Depends on how you see this film or how you view film in general. To me.... if it was some new director. Someone who we have never heard of, who came in and made this. I would be very impressed. But this is James Cameron. If he wasn't bragging about the new technology he will endowed upon us and expect us to be dazzled by it, I wouldn't listen to any of his fans and be part of a fun ride. But he did bragged. If he wasn't known for good writing and storyline in a sci-fi effects fest, this would have been a step up from his previous works. But you see such GREAT stories and writing from Aliens and f*ckin Terminator 2! I wonder if a Xenomorph really did ripped out James Cameron's brain. And knowing this, I can't helped but be actually PISSED OFF. I was about to give a much lower rating than what I planned but seeing it is worthy of watching in digital 3D, this is just an average film for what it hyped to be a film of the decade.



3 out of 5 stars! And that's being generous...

James Cameron.... COME ON!!!

Jordan Marquez Presents: The Top Ten Best And Worst of The Decade 00s - Number 2 Worst

Welcome back to the countdown, as we are nearly wrapping up my top ten worst movies of the decade.

This one will be controversial to many people, but I can't deny how I felt when I first saw this film. And hey this is my list, so f*ck it.

The #2 worst movie of the decade:
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Last night I talked about Uwe Boll and his notorious reputation in the film industry that he may very well be named the worst director of the decade. Although many d*uchey decisions from many d*uchey filmmakers may saved him from that certain title, plus Uwe Boll may have improved himself with a couple of films. Take it from Michael Bay. He might as well be a lead special effect artist because what he does best are explosions and... explosions. But not once have I seen him tell a good story. For this case, he not only tell a good or a mediocre story, but he adds so many idiotic and baffling elements that questions his fratboy mind, wasted a good amount of time and infuriated me to the point I want to choke someone.

I already wrote a full article review on this film, so I'll just bring in a few important points. I didn't like Transformers as Bay didn't realize a potential epic story of the entire toy franchise, but honestly it was fun. And despite the title of the film "Transformers", the narrative (if there was any) was focused from the viewpoints of the humans and we didn't get to see enough of the Transformers. So from that, you'll think Michael Bay will improve the entire film elements for the next film. No he didn't. Like one entry in the list, the film goes for the "bigger is better" method and yet takes the film to a ridiculous and awful level. Bigger in scale, bigger in length, bigger in production, bigger in the mass of the giant turd dumped by Michael Bay himself. The ideas and elements Bay decided to put in such robots with giant wrecking balls, robots with giant pointy shafts, a terrible ripoff of Terminator, moms getting high on pot and a shot of John Turturro's naked ass. None of the characters are that likable or remotely interesting, humans or even the Transformers. The designs of Transformers are still ugly, bland and indistinguishable only to be sharing the same color schemes and sizes where, in an action scene, you don't even know which is which. And the piece-of-la re-shit-sance are the two Jar Jar Binks robots that you are stuck with for majority of the film. And you'll be hearing them spouting every ignorant and offensive lingos of a black man's caricature.

Sure enough it is became a box office success, but does that mean its a good movie? This movie really really pissed the hell out of me and increases my hate for Michael "D*uchebag" Bay. Really Bay, the movie should have been called "Explosions" instead...

Tomorrow, I will reveal #1 worst movie of the 00s. What movie takes the cake as the WORST of the decade?

Mini Reviews - Ponyo

Ponyo

The story of a young and overeager goldfish named Ponyo and her quest to become human

As far as Miyazaki's films, it is his most trippiest and experimental so far. Though the flaw of this is that with all the wild and bold animation design and style of watercolor and kiddy-color schemes comes with just a simple children story. As the imagination can range from magical to just pure freaky, it will sometimes take the audience out of the story. As always with Disney, they provided top-notch A-list stars to voice the characters such as Tina Fey, Liam Neeson and Cate Blanchett for the English translation and they do a professional job. Far from his masterpiece Spirited Away, it is considered his most experimental and I praise him for that.

3 and a half out of 5 stars

Jordan Marquez Presents: The Top Ten Best And Worst of The Decade 00s - Number 3 Worst

Welcome back to the countdown, as we are now closing in my top ten worst movies of the decade.

The #3 worst movie of the decade:
Alone In The Dark (2005)

If you're a true movie geek, then you would know the notorious Uwe Boll. Known for bast*rdizing every video game adaptation he touches, he strikes fear in every gamer when he plans to take hold of a video game everyone loves and cherish and turns it into a hideous deformed monster. Not even the critics are safe as he challenges each one to a boxing match and beats them to a pulp. And he was that close to making a Metal Gear Solid movie, which will bring the entire world in hell fire by angry gamers if it came to fruition. Already he brought down three reputable video game franchises down to the crappy bottom and one that can't never redeem itself is Alone In The Dark.

Just thinking that having well-known washed up celebrities like Christian Slater and Tara Reid will make this film a guarantee hit is just hurt you so bad. You'll know you'll be in for such a disastrous ride when you are treated to a 5 MINUTE scrolling-text narration outlining the entire background story and some other bullsh*t. One of the trademarks of a Uwe Boll is the faithfulness his films are to the video game franchise he's portraying: just slap the name of video game character and make up his own sh*t. From video game knowledge, Edward Carnby is an investigator who explores dark and supernatural places alone. According to Uwe Boll, Edward investigates monsters with a whole army of SWAT soldiers in broad daylight. Most of the lead actors, most noticeably Christian Slater, look so miserable and tired as though they have witnessed their career withering out of existence. If you're watching with a group, you can play a very dangerous drinking game as you can take a swig upon numerous things like the many times a person crash through a glass window or the many times Christian spouts boring and droning monologues or the many times Tara Reid pretends to be smart. Really Uwe Boll is making sh*t up as he goes, not caring about the original source he's supposed to respect. This film marks the infamous reputation of the most retarded director. Not to mention the CG animation are just laughable and the action sequences are just... plain dumb.

His other movies like House of the Dead and Bloodrayne still proved to be mind-draining craps, but Alone In The Dark takes the cake as the worst. And if Uwe Boll decides to hunt me down just to challenge me for a boxing match just because I hurt his film ego, I'll be ready for him. Uwe Boll, you assh*le...

Oh by the way, there is a sequel to this crap. Not only there is a sequel by Uwe Boll, but Edward Carnby is asian in this movie.... WTF!!!

Tomorrow, I will reveal #2 worst movie of the 00s. This was gonna be #2 until this movie came along...

Jordan Marquez Presents: The Top Ten Best And Worst of The Decade 00s - Number 4 Worst

Welcome back to the countdown, as we are now halfway through my top ten worst movies of the decade.

Yesterday I talk about Bratz, one that is filled with ignorant racial and social stereotypes. And speaking of that....

The #4 worst movie of the decade:
Soul Plane(2004)

When hip-hop artists and rappers are mixed with movies, it all depends on chance. Sometimes it turns out good like for Mos Def, Ice-T and heck even Eminem. But for most of the time, it is left like a huge doggy-doo stain. There are alot of embarrassing "black-culture" movies such as Phat Girlz or Who's Your Caddy, but the one... THE ONE F*CKIN MOVIE... that is such a huge embarrassment, that black people wishes it never ever existed... is Soul Plane. Seriously... who ever thought of making a film celebrating every bit of negative ghetto black stereotypes, not being at least funny or clever and featuring TOM ARNOLD, one of the most whitest man in movies.... should be shot point blank in the head with a .44 Magnum.

I couldn't believe what I was watching. The entire film is just complete ignorance and moronic. It was marked as a black-people's interpretation of legendary parody, Airplane, yet the only thing that reminds us of Airplane is the last 20 minutes of the film. The rest of the film are just fillers portraying black people as just ignorant, superficial, mindless and egotistical. And the message from I'm getting is that its damn COOL to be that. So really, its damn fine to lower a race class down the intelligence ladder. I know its the notion of the film, but the entire premise is that a black man sues an airline company because he sees them as a "white" company and mistreated him and his dog, so he was rewarded with a $100 Million settlement. What does he do with the money? He could have smartly invest on something or save it for the better, but no, he builds his own pimp-out purple jumbo list complete with hydraulics suspension. I don't even think that cost $100 Million to build that. Not to mention you'll be seeing sassy fat black women, the in-flight meal is nothing but fried chicken and the most ignorant statement they put on that stupid film is every black people on the plane sees a guy with a turban and assumes he's a terrorist. Another dynamic to this crap pile is the film includes a white family, joining in for the ride. They're not white enough to be on a plane full of black people, so they amped up their whiteness TEN TIMES MORE. But no, most of the family don't act white. Little son is wiggerish, trying to act homie, teenage daughter is being a skanky slut and the mom being like the daughter except she's a milf. The only member who is so white is the dad, Tom Arnold. And GOD! the teenage daughter had such a huge disrespect for the dad, telling him he doesn't know her and she wants to be a stupid hoe. He goes "Oh gee willikers, I don't know what to do" and has to learn to accept her decision. Now I'm not one for family/domestic violence, but if I was the father, I would slap the f*ck out of her. The nerves on that b*tch!

I don't know if this had a theatrical release or went straight to DVD, but I can tell black people are so embarrassed that this movie even existed. I was even embarrassed to have seen it at all. So this is one uncool thing about being ghetto.

Tomorrow, I will reveal #3 worst movie of the 00s. What will it be....